Who I'm Meant to Be

Sometimes, no matter how much you care, you just have to let go. No matter how good your intentions may be, there's always someone out there who will misunderstand, or someone who is intentionally trying to make your motives seem sinister.  It's another lesson learned for me as I continue to change and grow in this life.

I've walked a hard, strange road the last few years.  I've done things I never thought I would do (whether good or bad). I've met people I never would have met otherwise and was hurt beyond belief by people who have been in my life practically from the beginning, who I believed weren't capable of hurting me that way.  I've sewn those bad oats, and regardless of what those who call themselves my enemies may believe, I have CERTAINLY reaped the results.

I think we all have things we would like to go back and change if we could, but honestly, there's not much I would change.  I know, had I taken any other road, I may not have ended up going in the direction that I am now, and I am on a good path toward good things in my life.  I am sorry for the pain I have caused to people I loved very much. I am sorry for the relationships that have been damaged beyond repair.  I am sorry for the people and things I have lost in my life...   I have said this over and over again this past year: Once people have hurt each other so bad that they look at each other differently, those relationships are forever scarred and those people will never look at each other in the same way ever again.  It's a shame that circumstances, attitudes, lies, rumors, and pain have such a strong hold on our emotions and are allowed to affect us in that way, but it's just a fact of life.  The things we face in life and our emotions act as a filter through which everything we see and hear pass through.  We don't see the raw ingredients of an action.  We don't hear the empty spaces between the words.  We attach past experiences, hurts, joys, pains, emotions, and even untruths, to each word or action.  All of those manipulations mold our perceptions so that each individual's experience of an event is different from the person's standing next to them.  So, yes. I do obsess over breaking down situations and getting down to the truth. I do pick a situation apart until my fingers bleed, because I feed off raw, honest experiences.  It's how I thrive.  It's how I survive.

I can't answer for anyone else.  I've spent a good portion of my life defending other people.  When you love someone it's easy to justify their actions, for a while anyway, but at some point I finally decided I was tired of making excuses, for myself, for them, for anyone.  It's not easy, living such an honest life, but I'm trying.  I'm not perfect by any means.  Facing tragedy doesn't magically make a person good.  Yes, I've faced the flame.  I've been put to the test, and it has changed me drastically.  It's made me a better person.  There are those who say people don't change.  In fact, it's not that people don't change within.  It's just easier to change yourself than it is to change how people see you, how they feel or think about you.  That's the difficult part...  For most people, I honestly don't care what they think anymore, but there are a few people out there who I do love and respect.  It's difficult to know that you've hurt someone you love, or disappointed them.  I used to have such a HUGE fear of disappointing people and I'm learning to get over that.  I wish I could convince the people I love, that although I may not always say or do things the "right" way, at the root of those words/actions are good intentions and a loving heart.  It's just difficult to get people to make the effort to see beyond the surface, to see your heart.  They don't feel it's worth the calluses to work that hard at it.

I can't answer for anyone else, but my life is split up into very different books, not chapters, more like books in a series.  Each book has a definite start and a well-defined ending but they are tied together by characters.  The last book ended almost a year ago.  Since then, I've been trying to start that new book in my life, but for the first time, I'm doing it alone.  I'm both excited and nervous, and it's getting off to a slow start because I have to clean up some clutter first.  People may judge me, but I don't care.  They're entitled to think whatever they want about me.  Just consider this - I'm not who I used to be and not quite yet who I'm meant to be.

Originally published October 31, 2012